For some of you, it's a big change just to visit a web site for men dealing with the effects of unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood. Maybe you'd still much rather not think about it, but are wondering if avoidance hasn't been so good for you.

For others, it's crystal clear that you have addictions and other problem behaviors related to unwanted or abusive boyhood sexual experiences, but you've had little success in getting past them.

As always, some of your situations are in between, or just different.

No matter who you are, like everyone else, you have (a) some behaviors that you haven't been able to give up even though they cause you problems, and (b) some problems in your life that you ignore despite significant costs of doing so. And, at least at times, you probably feel some shame and hopelessness about these things.

Over the past two decades very important research has been done on the "stages of change" that people go through in order to voluntarily change their own behavior. Learning about these stages help you be more effective at taking responsibility for making changes in your life – including cutting yourself some slack when you really need and deserve it.

Before describing the stage model, we want to highlight that it's particularly relevant to men in the first stage of recovery.

• During this stage of addressing the effects of unwanted or abusive childhood sexual experiences, people are often struggling with deeply habitual strategies for managing unwanted emotions and other experiences – strategies that have become ineffective or even destructive.
• Such behaviors include dependence on alcohol or drugs to block out painful experiences or promote positive ones, deliberately harming your body to become numb or feel alive, compulsive use of pornography, impulsive and aggressive venting of anger on others, and provoking others to reject, abandon or abuse you.
• For those who grew up in situations where more healthy ways of handling negative experiences were not learned, such behaviors can become very ingrained habits that are difficult to change. They may be experienced as the "only" way to cope with certain unwanted experiences – or the only sure-fire way that doesn't require trusting or depending on others. A man may know that such behaviors are self-destructive and/or harmful to others, but fear that giving them up would make things even worse. When we refer to "problem behaviors" below, this is what we're referring to, and this may include behaviors that you, understandably, at least for now, see not as "problems" but as survival skills.

• At this stage, the person lacks an awareness that they have a problem. If he does anything to change the behavior, including go to treatment, he's only doing so because he feels pushed by others. He is not (yet) committed to changing the behavior, or addressing the problem, let alone getting help. He is avoiding steps to change his behavior (consciously and/or unconsciously). Others may see him as "in denial."
• At this stage, trying to get people to focus on behavior change is completely ineffective, because it simply doesn't meet them where they are. (We can all remember, and not fondly, times when others pushed us to make changes before we had even come to terms with the fact that we had a problem.) Instead, it is most helpful to give them a chance to discuss their mixed feelings and thoughts about the problem, and how they see the costs and benefits of changing and not changing. In having such discussions, it is essential, but can be very difficult, not to take sides in their internal debate and argue for change. This is crucial because doing so puts you in the position of advocating for change and leads them to dig in, argue the other side (of their mixed feelings), and justify their behaviors – rather than thinking about change.
• It would be hard to overemphasize how important it is to understand this stage, in general and in relation to therapy. For more on how to relate effectively to people in the precontemplation stage, including people you care about but are having trouble helping, see see "Why Pushing Him Won't Work" and "A More Effective Approach to Talking With Him" in Finding Help.

• At this stage, people are distressed about their own problem behavior, or a problem area in their lives, and want to get some control over it. They are seeking to better understand their behavior or the problem, and thinking about making change. They haven't yet acted to make a change, and have not even committed to doing so. But they are definitely evaluating the pros and cons of sticking to their behavior versus making changes.
• An important change activity at this stage is "consciousness raising," that is, learning new information that supports making the change. For example, you may not know if you really want to learn about the possible effects of unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in your life, or how to deal with them effectively. If so, then reading the information on this web site is a consciousness-raising experience as you try to sort things out and contemplate your options.
• Others activites of this stage include "self-reevaluation," or beginning to see oneself as someone who could be free of the problem behavior. Again, the focus is not yet on behavioral change – which would be a "mismatch" for someone in this stage – but on doing things that may (or may not) strengthen motivation and commitment to make a change.

• At this stage, people are intending to change, and ready to change in terms of both attitude and behavior. They're on the verge of taking action. They are engaged in the change process, and prepared to make firm commitments to follow through on the action option(s) that they choose.
• Similar activities are helpful here as in the Contemplation stage, with an increasing emphasis on strengthening the commitment to change and to follow through with change behaviors. Still, it's not about giving or finding methods for change, let alone pushing for action. Instead, it's about strengthening motivation for the specific actions that a person, whether it's someone else or yourself, is on the verge of choosing and taking.

• At this stage people have definitely decided to make change, are very motivated to change, and have verbalized or otherwise demonstrated firm commitment to doing so. They are making active efforts to modify their behavior and/or their environment, and are willing to seek out and try suggested strategies and activities for bringing about change.
• Here a wide variety of behavioral change methods, from self-help methods to specific therapy interventions and a variety of other resources, including exercise and other training programs, are finally appropriate for others to suggest and to help them use. It is still essential that people's freedom to choose, and to use behavior change methods in their own unique ways, are respected.

• This stage refers to a time when the behavior change has been made and maintained for at least several months (six months is commonly used as an indicator of entering this stage). At this time, people are working to sustain changes achieved thus far, and considerable attention is focused on avoiding slips or a full "relapse" back to their old ways.
• In this stage people may still experience fear or anxiety about possible relapse, and worry about how they would deal with a situation that presented a high risk for relapse. They may face less frequent but strong temptations revert back to the problem behavior or bad habit. These are very normal and natural experiences, and are totally consistent with continued strong motivation and commitment. Indeed, when people no longer fear relapse, they may be at higher risk for "letting down their guard" and making a slip. However, as time goes on and the behavior change becomes more ingrained in their lives, such fears and temptations tend naturally to decrease.
• A wide variety of behavioral change and maintainence methods are useful during this time. The mix of methods may evolve, with some becoming no longer necessary and others becoming more appropriate. But people are still making use of various methods to "stay on track" and to continue the new behaviors and positive habits they have developed.

All of us can remember behavior changes that we've made by going through these stages. You're probably in the midst of (at least) one now. If you've been focused on someone else who "needs to make a change," particularly someone you've been trying to persuade to make a change, it might be helpful to try this: first, reflect on your own experiences of going through these stages in relation to something particularly difficult; then, think about where in the stages of change the other person is now, and how effectively you've been relating to him or her.

If you're currently pressuring yourself to change, or becoming very impatient, judgmental, or otherwise "hard on yourself," you might try this:

• Think about what stage you are actually in right now with respect to that behavior or problem area in your life.
• Think about whether you might be expecting too much, too quickly, of yourself.
• Give yourself some time sort out what's really going to be helpful to you now.

Importantly, where people are in the stages of change determines (1) what they are open to hearing from a therapist, partner, friend, or anyone else, and (2) which treatments or interventions they are ready to benefit from. Generally speaking, experienced and skilled therapists understand these stages of change. They are also skilled at matching what they say, and the treatment methods they provide, to where their clients are in the stages described above.

A few more key points:

• The stages almost always play out in cycles, in which people gradually advance, and occasionally "relapse" back to earlier stages in the process before eventually moving forward again. All of us have bad habits that we have struggled in these stages. Every one of us has sometimes, typically during times of stress and/or lack of support, reverted back to old problem behaviors and to pre-contemplative or contemplative stages in relation them.
• For men who have experienced unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood, there may be several behaviors that are problematic and suffering-increasing. At any particular time, only some of these can be addressed by moving forward through the stages of change. For many, the first stage of recovery involves coming to terms with the need to change deeply ingrained habits that developed as "survival skills" in childhood or adolescence, and developing the motivation and commitment to change, then working hard to make use of change methods that are available. Achieving safety and stability, and increasing acceptance of and mastery over one's emotions and conditioned responses to triggers, is very much about progressing through the stages of behavior change. This is true whether one is dealing with dependence on drugs and alcohol, repeating abuse dynamics in current relationships, or a variety of other problems common during the first stage of recovery.
• Understanding (a) these stages of change, (b) how they play out in cycles, and (c) how unwanted or abusive sexual experiences can result in many problem behaviors that cannot all be changed at once or without occasional "backsliding," can be very helpful and bring more patience and acceptance of ourselves and others.
• If you seek out treatment, keep these stages in mind. When you are focused on a particular goal, or on a particular type of behavior change that you want or that other people are pushing you to make, you can make use of this model. You can discuss with your therapist, or another trusted and supportive person, what kinds of conversations and interventions will truly meet you where you are, and will truly empower you to sort through your own mixed feelings – about your behavior and its consequences, and about your own values, motivations, and options for change.

For more information about the stages of change:

• AddictionInfo.com has a nice, brief overview of the stages of the model.
• ETR Associates has a good page on the processes of behavior change as described by the model.
• The University of Rhode Island's Cancer Prevention Research Center has a more detailed overview.
• The National Health Care for the Homeless Council has a 5-page PDF document that nicely lays out the stages of change, as well as appropriate interventions at each stage.